I’m standing right behind you (Super Busy Hospital)

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a video game that makes you take care of all the people who have been shot in all the other video games. “Hey man, what are you playing?” Super Busy Hospital. --Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that has 40,000 pieces. When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  --Demetri Martin

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me. She said, “What size are you?” And I said, Actual. --Demetri Martin

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them, because when they open the bottle, inside there's a note that says, “I’m standing right behind you.”  --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”