What if I told you... (I’m standing right behind you)

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a videogame that makes you take care of all the people who have been shot in all the other video games. “Hey man, what are you playing?” Super Busy Hospital. --Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that has 40,000 pieces. When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  --Demetri Martin

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me. She said, “What size are you?” And I said, Actual. --Demetri Martin

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them, because when they open the bottle, inside there's a note that says, “I’m standing right behind you.”  --Demetri Martin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”