"I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in
perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets
chances of making the playoffs." –David Letterman
"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used
to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to
head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig
Ferguson
"The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have
more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin
America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel
Castro." –Seth Meyers
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