He's probably spending more time executing his family

"President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, 'I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.' They'll just wander out." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know who they haven't seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven't seen him in, like, six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family." –David Letterman



"Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There's an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's me." –David Letterman