"The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service
prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them
together, he said, 'Hey, I'm investigating here.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White
House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly
Obama's screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin." –Conan O'Brien
"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the
Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I
called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said
to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman
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