One if by surf, two if by turf (Paper Jam)

Donald Trump’s now two-week-old war in Iran, well the president is maybe sort of threatening/teasing that he might put boots on the ground in Iran? But Republicans can’t seem to agree on whether they support that idea, or for how long, or why. The confusion comes from the top: Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary/morning show host/fifth-year senior who just found out that yeah, he’s gonna need to do a sixth year, who made a big deal about turning the defense department into “the department of war” and “refocusing on the core mission: war fighting”. And before we go any further: was there a problem with the term ‘warfare’? Did we need ‘war-fighting’? It’s just a weirder way to say the same thing. It’s like asking someone if they want to go out to dinner-eating. —Seth Meyers

Reports have surfaced that Pete Hegseth, the US defense secretary, spent $93 billion of US taxpayer money last year, including millions of dollars in September on luxury food items: $2 million on Alaskan king crab, $6.9 million on lobster tail, $140,000 on doughnuts, $124,000 on ice-cream machines, $26,000 on sushi preparation tables and $15.1 million on ribeye steak. They’re just hearkening back to our founders. As Paul Revere declared on his famous ride: ‘One if by surf, two if by turf.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” (I'm not eating that!)

More fallout from the Stormy Daniels scandal. As you know, yesterday she released a sketch of a man she claimed threatened her about her relationship with the president. Well, this morning Donald Trump tweeted: "A sketch years later about a nonexistent man. A total con job, playing the fake news media for fools, but they know it!" Trump calls Stormy's claim "a total con job." I honestly don't know who to believe in all this — the desperate, money-hungry publicity-hound, or Stormy Daniels. --James Corden

There was a big breakthrough in the world of science. Researchers recently created the world’s first human heart using a 3D printer. The heart is made from human cells and “patient-specific biological materials.” which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs. --James Corden

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”