You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor (I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds)

In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds. –Jimmy Kimmel

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. And Rodman brought two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin' (or if any one of the other teams gets malaria)

June 2014

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The World Cup is very confusing. It could take up to a month after the final game to figure out who won." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'." –Conan O'Brien 

"President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The president then announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or if any one of the other teams gets malaria (a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts)

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?" –Jimmy Kimmel

In November, California voters will vote on a measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use. Supporters of the amendment turned in the required amount of signatures on time to get on the ballot. Whether the measure passes or not, turning something in on time is a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it’s good enough for the first lady, it’s good enough for me (Mr. President, what’s in your mouth?)

“Yesterday, Donald Trump announced that he’s taking hydroxychloroquine, the antimalarial drug, despite doctor’s saying that there is no proof that it works against the coronavirus. When told the drug is for treating malaria, Trump said, ‘If it’s good enough for the first lady, it’s good enough for me.” —Jimmy Fallon

“After Trump made the announcement, a lot of experts told him what he was doing is dangerous. Then Trump was like, ‘Relax, if anything goes wrong, I can just drink bleach and clean it all out. I’m good.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I feel so bad for this guy’s Secret Service, because you have to admit they have had more on their plate with Trump than with any other president ever before. Can you imagine a day in the Secret Service’s life? ‘Keeping my eyes peeled, making sure there’s no threats. Everything looks clear. We’re all good — Mr. President, what did you eat? What is that in your mouth? Mr. President, what’s in your mouth?’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I die in a school shooting leave my body on the steps of congress (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

"Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, 'If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f them up.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, down in Washington, DC, it was Malaria Awareness Day. Here's the sad part ... a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria." --David Letterman

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria (the mountainous region of Afghanistan)

"How about that Rosie O'Donnell thing? She has left 'The View' and is rumored to be hiding in the mountainous region of Afghanistan." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, down in Washington, DC, it was Malaria Awareness Day. Here's the sad part ... a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria." --David Letterman

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I'm looking forward to meeting the Malarians (casualties of war)

"President Bush is traveling. He's in Southeast Asia. Earlier today, he arrived in Vietnam -- better late than never." --David Letterman

"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas." --Conan O'Brien