“Joe Biden left New Hampshire before the polls were even closed? I mean, I’ve heard of fans leaving the game early, but you know it’s bad when the team leaves early to beat the traffic.” —Trevor Noah
“Biden’s lackluster performances have been a huge surprise, and now, even Biden’s own people are having a little trouble hiding their anxiety. One unnamed adviser told reporters, ‘I know we’re supposed to say we’re going to win, but I just don’t know. This is horrendous. We’re all scared.’ It’s not great when your campaign sounds like a Civil War letter home: ‘My dearest Jill, we fled New Hampshire after a miserable defeat and have retreated to make our last stand in South Carolina. I thought we could win, but I guess I’m just a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.’” —Stephen Colbert
“Meanwhile, Andrew Yang officially dropped out of the race. Yang supported giving Americans $1,000 a month, reducing student loans and legalizing weed. Americans heard that and were like, ‘Wait, he did? We messed up — come back, hey! We like you!’” —Jimmy Fallon
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
No comments:
Post a Comment