No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN

"Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN." –Craig Ferguson



"New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like an 'S.O.B.' Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a 'B.L.T.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool." –David Letterman

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Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno 

"It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face." –Jimmy Fallon



"For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, 'Thank God no one watches us.'" –Jimmy Fallon



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He ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman 



"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno



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Angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao

"The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney's running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, 'a person of color.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno



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Which explains why Governor Chris Christie's invitation got 'lost in the mail.'

"A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping." –Jay Leno





"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing 'The Robot' – or as Romney calls that, 'The Me.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Mitt Romney's weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie's invitation got 'lost in the mail.'" –Jimmy Fallon



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I dare him to come to India and say that to my face

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman 



He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney's picking up a head of steam. He's roaring and ready to go. He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires." –David Letterman



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Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car?

"Obama went to Ground Zero. He went up in the new skyscraper being built in the shadow of the World Trade Center, and he inscribed one of the steel beams. He wrote, 'We remember, we rebuild, we come back stronger.' Which was very poignant, especially since Bush had written on it, 'We got hit, I sat in a chair, I peed my pants.' And he misspelled chair." –Bill Maher



"Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour. He's on a bus through the Midwest called 'Believe in America' because 'Mormon Thunder' was taken." –Bill Maher



"Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side." –Bill Maher



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What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?

"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool." –Bill Maher



"Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher



"Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment, and the Republicans of course say, 'This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'" –Bill Maher



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Happy birthday to Donald Trump

"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman
 


"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb  over — I mean, come over." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?" –Jay Leno



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Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus

"Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus." –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris Christie." –Jay Leno





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I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics." –Jay Leno



"Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat." –David Letterman



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Being passed over by the Angel of Duh..

"DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, 'I told you.'" –Jay Leno



"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan. I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." – Bill Maher

"That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited Los Angeles. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh." --Bill Maher, regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town



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Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding?'

"CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, 'an endangered species we have to protect.'" –Jay Leno



"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

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or my name isn't Malt Ramrod...

"Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman



"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon



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Did somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'

"Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired." –Jay Leno



"Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'" –Jimmy Fallon



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He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one

"Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why we miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one." –Jay Leno



"A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally." –Jay Leno



"A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, 'Nuh-uh!'" –Conan O'Brien

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Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

"Mitt Romney is trying to get the Latino vote. He maintains he’s always had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, as long as they don’t wake him up with the leaf blower." –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate." –Bill Maher, counters "Birthers" by creating a Romney 'Wifer' controversy



"Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?" –Bill Maher

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So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma

"Pollsters found out that when you ask people on a cell phone who they're supporting, overwhelmingly it's Obama. When you ask on a landline, Romney. By the way, Romney also has the support among voters who refer to the coffee pot as the percolator, and the clicker to change the channel." –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma." –Bill Maher



"And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher



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It proves that in America...

"Between the obesity and the low test scores, you've got to ask yourselves the question,'How fat and dumb do our kids have to get before our teachers stop having sex with them?" –Bill Maher



 

"Speaking of fat and dumb, Donald Trump is in the news. He's gone full-on re-Birther. He said Obama was born in Kenya, and he's having a fundraiser in Las Vegas for Mitt Romney – the first time a major presidential candidate is going be on the stage with a real out-and-out Birther. And this could hurt Romney, not just because he's on the stage with Donald Trump. Because it proves that in America, you can make money in business and still be a total f**king idiot." –Bill Maher



 

"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead. Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher



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Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'

"This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterf***s ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'" –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher



"As George Bush once said, 'Our kids is not learning.'" –Bill Maher

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