I had more leg room in the womb

"Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'" –Conan O'Brien



"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup." –David Letterman



even Ebola is more popular than soccer

"Time magazine has named 'Ebola Fighters' the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, 'Oh no, we'll just mail them to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon



"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon



They're made out of people who ask too many questions

"McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions." –Conan O'Brien



"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers



"The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not." –Seth Meyers


We have to wait to see what the replay says

"Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn't know it's Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn't even know it's a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon



"Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor." –Conan O'Brien



So now can we take a lunch break?

"This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this, China's children asked, 'So now can we take a lunch break?'" –Conan O'Brien



"The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration." –David Letterman



A picture of what his face would look like if he said no

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien



"The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'" -Craig Ferguson



"Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, 'It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no.' (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)" –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, make the sidewalk lower?

"The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"It's the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln's cue card guy." –David Letterman





"Today is Vice President Joe Biden's birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday." –Seth Meyers