"Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for
president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States
from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?"
–David Letterman
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before..
The last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber
"Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in
Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people
I'm trying to deport." –Conan O'Brien
"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for
president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is
pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien
Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America
"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's
running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if
he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'" –Jimmy
Fallon
"Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for
president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise
in America." –Jimmy Fallon
Friday, March 20, 2015
If he got a concussion, how would you know?
"Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that
Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can't tell me
Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren." –Seth Meyers
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia
this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It's especially dangerous for
Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?" –Seth
Meyers
I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses
"Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He
was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because
in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care." –David Letterman
Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?
"During an interview with Playboy — that's right, Playboy
— Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime.
Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their
lifetime." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential
library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great,
who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien
But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?
"Everyone's busy filling out their March Madness brackets.
Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he's running for president
because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa."
–Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney
criticized President Obama and said he's quote, 'the worst president of my
lifetime, without question.' Then Cheney said, 'But enough talk. When do I take
my clothes off?'" –Jimmy Fallon
The fourth biggest drinking day in America
"St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in
America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of
July, or any Secret Service party." –David Letterman
"Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He
vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One
rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed." –David
Letterman
The less expensive Bureau of Book Learning
"The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St.
Patrick's Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will
have a drinking buddy." –Conan O'Brien
"Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would
abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace
it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning." –Conan O'Brien
Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope.
"Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most
about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being
recognized. I wouldn't worry. Nobody's going to believe the guy who works at
the pizza place when he says, 'Hey, you know who came in today? The
Pope.'" –Seth Meyers
"Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight
champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney
is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps
of the Philadelphia art museum." –Jimmy Fallon
Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it..
"There is controversy surrounding Obama's appearance on
the show. Monday we announced the president would be here. This morning I got a
letter from 47 Republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"During
his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education
and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as
English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'" –Jimmy Fallon
My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes
"Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a
68-year-old guy with no job, no future — wait a minute, that's me." –David
Letterman
"They
found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're
studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin
Laden was right between the eyes. " –David Letterman
That's like telling Rudy Giuliani he can't use the word '9-11'
"So the Florida Department of Environmental Protection
can't use the term 'climate change'?" That's like telling Rudy Giuliani he
can't use the word '9-11.' " –Larry Wilmore on "The Nightly
Show"
"Clearly the situational ethics of this country's
leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no
matter how evil our president or our Congress believes Iran to be, they would
each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other." –Jon Stewart on 47
Republican Senators sending a letter to Iran about a nuclear deal
Seal Team 6 and Barack Obama threw him a surprise party
"Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It
makes me remember when Seal Team 6 and Barack Obama threw him a surprise
party." –David Letterman
"Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the
firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. Because Utah is
largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're
blindfolded but no cigarette." –David Letterman
International Women's Day
"Yesterday was not only daylight savings time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour." –David Letterman
"President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with
Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter
about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going
to send Seth Rogen and James Franco." –David Letterman
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
DEA agent is speaking out against edible marijuana
"Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear.
Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, 'I
believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that
your brother and dad once had.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A DEA agent is speaking out against edible marijuana. He
said it could lead to a lot of stoned rabbits. He says rabbits will eat the pot
that is grown at marijuana farms and start following the band phish around the
country." –Jimmy Kimmel
A drunk person trying to say 'rented Prius.'
"RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying
that he can't control his mouth. That's kind of like someone trying to say the
name 'Reince Priebus,' which sounds like a drunk person trying to say 'rented
Prius.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The
New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up
something he'd actually miss." –Jimmy Fallon
A great weekend for wild animals
"Donald
Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in
2016. He hasn't spelled out his platform yet. But he has spelled the out the
word 'Trump' on his platform." –Jimmy Kimmel
"This weekend the Conservative Political Action
Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil
Robertson from 'Duck Dynasty.' It was a good weekend for conservatives — and a
great weekend for wild animals." –Jimmy Fallon
Barry's getting his OWN garden!
"Some
people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s.
People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East
Coast/West Coast rap wars." –Conan O'Brien
"As of midnight last night, marijuana is officially legal
in our nation's capital. Or as President Obama put it, 'Clear some space,
Michelle. Barry's getting his OWN garden!'" –Jimmy Fallon
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