The best forecast ever! (flying drones drop burritos)

"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien



"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien 

"A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, 'the best forecast ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is (young Hispanics)

"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, 'Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.' If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family (knocked out by Latinos)

"Al Qaeda's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family." –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos." –Jay Leno



"Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

More bad news for Republicans (stop splashing)

"Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing." –David Letterman 

"According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans." –Jay Leno





"Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein (return that Oval rug you ordered)

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president f the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman



"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup (I understand there's some trouble?)

"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup."  –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman



"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites

"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno 



"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien



"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

He better hope they're brain donors

"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno



"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno



"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity

"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you  know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno



"President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, 'So how much do you want for the place.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien



It's a love pentagon

"President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story." --David Letterman




"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien




"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants

"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert

"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." –Jay Leno



"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." –David Letterman 

It’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes

"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." –Conan O'Brien


"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife." –David Letterman



Just the Tip

"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" –Seth Meyers 

"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio." –David Letterman



"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno 



What Ambien looks like in book form

"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet."  –Jay Leno



"There's a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, 'What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen

"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." –Bill Maher



"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." –Bill Maher



"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." –Bill Maher


John Hulse painting


Yeah, best money I ever spent

"Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC



"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher



"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." –Bill Maher 

This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama

"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." –Bill Maher



"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." –Bill Maher



"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" –Bill Maher