And rumor is he goes through a lot of mattresses (Porn Flakes)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

Though suing him on President’s Day does show how divided our country is. I mean, for Pete’s sake, we can’t even allow him one day to buy a new mattress at an unbeatable price. And rumor is he goes through a lot of mattresses. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And, of course, Trump sued New Mexico for obvious reasons (Before he left, he sampled all 32 flavors)

Here's a big story. 16 states are now suing Trump after he declared a national emergency to get money for his wall. Well, now Trump is getting back at some of those states by filing lawsuits against them. Check these out. First up, Trump sued Hawaii for putting pineapple on pizza and acting like it's normal. Next up, he sued Colorado for giving Utah and Wyoming a contact high. Up next, he wanted to take Rhode Island to court for not really being an island. Fake news. And, of course, Trump sued New Mexico for obvious reasons. --Jimmy Fallon

The heir to Baskin-Robbins is walking away from the company so he can promote healthy living instead. But this was annoying. Before he left, he sampled all 32 flavors. --Jimmy Fallon

Over a dozen people in San Diego had to be rescued after they got stuck on a gondola at SeaWorld for four hours. When they heard that, the whales at SeaWorld were like, "Oh, wow. Trapped for four hours. Trapped, huh? For four whole hours? Yeah, wow. Sounds terrible." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is a test of the national emergency system (She knows what she did)

A Massachusetts family's dog was recently found 175 miles away from their home after it jumped a wall and escaped their yard, but, sure, walls work. --Seth Meyers

Do you ever notice that sometimes when Donald Trump gives a press conference he sounds like a 5-year-old telling you what he saw at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez last week compared President Trump's border wall to the Berlin Wall. Hey, come on, it's nothing like that. That wall got built. --Seth Meyers

According to new research, the average female friendship has a lifespan of 16 years. When asked what happens after 16 years, women said, "She knows what she did." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke (Cheeze-It, so good, you’ll murder your family)

Watching Trump try to explain the legal troubles of his declaring a National Emergency was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke. --Colin Jost, SNL

Katy Perry’s fashion line has discontinued a shoe after criticism that it resembled black face. I don’t know? It doesn’t even resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this it’s Mrs. Potatohead. --Colin Jost, SNL

A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house then set fire to it after getting in an argument over a box of Cheez-Its. Which I blame on their slogan: “Cheeze-It, so good, you’ll murder your family.” --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He knew he was in trouble when he got on the scale, and it said "National Emergency." (I cannot tell when I'm lying)

Monday is Presidents Day and we've gone from I cannot tell a lie to I cannot tell when I'm lying. --Bill Maher

Trump’s new slogan is “Finish the Wall.” I mean it's madness. Things haven't even gotten started and he's already moved on to finishing and Melania said, “Welcome to my world.” --Bill Maher

Well, the results of Trump's annual physical came out. And I saw that in the past year, he gained 4 pounds. Trump said, "That's because when I stepped on the scale, I forgot to take off my hair." Four pounds? After gaining 4 pounds, he's now technically considered obese. He knew he was in trouble when he got on the scale, and it said "National Emergency." That's right -- Since Trump is now technically obese, he could just BE the border wall. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's right. Having nobody as president would be better (if it gets any lower maybe we will pay for it)

Trump did it today, he declared a national emergency. He was in the Rose Garden in the morning, you could tell this is when he normally has executive time because he was still in curlers. And this was just completely crackers. I know I've said that before but this was just one long baseless incoherent stream-of-consciousness call the nursing home rant. I mean we don't even notice it anymore when he gets stupider. It's like farting on a garbage ship. Who notices. You know who should have declared a national emergency long ago, fact checkers. --Bill Maher

A national emergency should not be used by Trump. It should be used on Trump. Just to refresh your memory why we're in this little bit of a pickle, we had a government shutdown. Remember that, over the wall and now we're having a national emergency declared over a wall because the master negotiator was offered 25 billion for his wall some time ago turned that down. In December he was offered 1.6 billion and turned that down. Now they signed a deal for 1.3 billion. Today Mexico said, “Fuck, if it gets any lower maybe we will pay for it.” --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

As it is, I have to sneak it in prison-style (leeches appointment)

This week hundreds of TSA agents called in sick rather than work without pay during the shutdown. Now obviously airline safety is important, and we want to see these folks back. But on the plus side, No TSA, I get to bring a full size mouthwash on the plane! As it is, I have to sneak it in prison-style. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump said that, “Medieval technology worked then and it works even better now.” You really can’t go wrong with medieval technology. Colbert as Trump, “The walls are made of steel slats which top alchemists have assured me can be turned into pure gold. It will pay for itself. Now if you will excuse me, I have a leeches appointment.” --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump said, “I have the absolute right to do National Emergency if I want.” Colbert as Trump, “Not only can I do National Emergency, many say I am National Emergency.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”