Hey, easy, lady, we're not married (dunk tanks)

"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, another big Democratic debate in Ohio. And the format for this one was a little different. Both candidates were sitting on dunk tanks." --David Letterman

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

DNC Blues #4 (poem)

DNC Blues #4

anyone who leaked questions to candidates before

the debates, has to go…

all the republicans have to do is to

point to someone still working

for the DNC

that did these terrible things,

and the democrats

get stuck with the

corrupt tag.

Trump can point to them

and others and say,

“Look, there they are. They cheated

and were promoted.”

And Trump would be

right.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

so that means six more weeks of racism

Last night Martin O'Malley looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce hearing. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today is Martin Luther King Day. And Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning so that means six more weeks of racism. –Seth Meyers

Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, “Free-Coli." –Seth Meyers

That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?"

Not that anyone seemed to notice, but there was a Democratic debate on Saturday night. It was Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley, who is either a presidential candidate or an Irish pub where they all went to drink afterwards, I'm not sure. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel

I think Donald Trump will drop out once he finds out how much money the president actually makes. I think he pays his hair flap engineer more than $400,000 a year. –Jimmy Kimmel

Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things

Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and "Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater," Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, "Maybe we shouldn't elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things." –Stephen Colbert

Data from social media and Google showed that Bernie Sanders was the most talked about of the three Democratic candidates after the debate. Bernie came in first, Hillary came in second, — and somehow Martin O'Malley came in fourth. –Jimmy Fallon

Understand?

Tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! It's the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you're single. And it's raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel. –Jimmy Fallon

This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley. Or as viewers call them, “Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break.” –Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders' neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He’ll get it eventually. –Jimmy Fallon

Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?

Jeb Bush's campaign announced yesterday that it raised over $13 million last quarter, which means it's doing better than most of the other major campaigns. Or as Jeb put it, “Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?!" –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, I saw that Jeb Bush's campaign has been staying at cheaper hotels to save money. Which would make Jeb the first politician ever to book a room at a cheap motel just to sleep. –Jimmy Fallon

At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, “Riiiight…” –Jimmy Fallon

Gary Busey follows him around with some nunchucks

Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks. –Jimmy Fallon

A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, “Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?” While the most popular response on Google was, “Come on.” –Jimmy Fallon   

That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage

Tonight on CNN was the mildly anticipated first debate between the Democratic candidates. If you were in Vegas tonight you get to see Elton John, Donny and Marie, the Judds, or you can go and see the presidential debate. There's really something for everyone. –Jimmy Kimmel

They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something. You can't just leave an empty podium with a mic on stage like that. That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage. –Jimmy Kimmel

My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated

Trump didn’t have too many nice things to say about the Democratic debate. In fact, he said he thinks people would turn on the Democratic debate for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Then CNN was like, “Hey, that still counts! Ratings are ratings! Just leave it on! We don't care.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. "Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.” –Jimmy Fallon