“Meat-processing plants across the country shut down due to coronavirus updates. Earlier this week, Trump signed an executive order under the Defense Production Act to keep some processing plants open and running at maximum capacity. You know, I will say this about Trump: he is very clear about what his priorities are in life. Because he was warned for months about the pandemic coming to America and he did practically nothing. But you tell the man once that there could be a beef shortage and he springs into action like the world’s hungriest superhero.” —Trevor Noah
“Still, few places in America have experienced higher rates of coronavirus than meat-processing plants. And although there doesn’t seem to be a danger to the food itself, in most of these facilities, the workers are quite literally putting their lives on the line. At many plants, several thousand employees work in close proximity; workers have alleged they were given hairnets to use as face masks. It’s really sad that these workers are being forced to keep the food chain going but nobody is being forced to protect them while they do it. They need equipment to keep safe while doing their jobs. And if you eat meat, you especially should want these workers to be treated right, because without them, the only way you’ll get your bacon is if you fight the pig yourself.” —Trevor Noah
I rode my bicycle past your window last night I roller skated to your door at day light It almost seems like you're avoiding me I'm okay alone, but you got something I need
Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key I think that we should get together and try them out, you see I been looking around a while, you got something for me Oh, I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key
I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far For somebody who don't drive I been all round the world Some people say I done all right for a girl
I asked your mother if you were at home She said, "Yes", but you weren't alone Oh, sometimes I think that you're avoiding me I'm okay alone, but you got something I need
Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key I think that we should get together and try them out, you see La la la la la la la la La la la la la la Oh, I got a brand new pair of roller skates You got a brand new key
My tea's gone cold, I wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain I missed the bus and there'll be hell today, I'm late for work again And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day And then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue Because you're near me and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life.
“The government’s paycheck protection program (PPP), which set aside $342 Billion to help small businesses through the pandemic shutdown. A couple weeks ago, before most businesses could receive help, that money disappeared faster than Rudy Giuliani in direct sunlight. —Trevor Noah
“Congress returned with a second round of $310 Billion, but still, the money did not get to the businesses, as the Small Business Administration website portal for loan applications crashed almost immediately after launch on Monday. But it’s not just computer issues: it turns out that the reason small businesses haven’t been able to get their money, is because the big businesses have been snapping it up. In the first round of the funding, $810 Million went to large, publicly traded companies, some with market values of over $100 Million, including the national restaurant chain Shake Shack and the Los Angeles Lakers. I don’t care what anybody says, the Lakers do not need $4 Million. The Knicks need $4 Million to bribe their fans to act like they don’t see what’s going on.” —Trevor Noah
“It’s important to remember that although what these big companies did was shitty, it wasn’t illegal. They saw a chance – a chance to get money – and they took it. Which is what companies are always gonna do. Which raises the question: why didn’t the government come up with regulations to make sure that the money for small businesses actually went to small businesses? Instead of keeping the big dogs out, the treasury ceded authority to the banks, and then the banks did what the banks do, which is: screw over the little guys. Already, a lawsuit against four major banks – Bank of America, US Bank, Chase and Wells Fargo – alleges the banks prioritized bigger customers (with their bigger bank fees) over small businesses. The PPP situation proves you can’t leave the loan decisions up to the banks, as banks are businesses – they’re always going to take care of its top customers first.” —Trevor Noah
“The president doesn’t read books. If you wanted him to take it seriously, you should have him tweeted him like a gif of a dancing cheeseburger.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“But it’s understandable that Donald Trump wasn’t paying attention. He was very busy at the time. He had to play golf on January 4, January 5, January 18, 19th, February 1, 2nd, 15th, March 7, March 8 — what’s he supposed to do, miss his tee times?” — Jimmy Kimmel
“In other news, Vice-President Mike Pence caused a stir on Monday when he toured the Mayo Clinic without a mask – the only one not to wear one on his tour, since the clinic has a strict mask-wearing policy. You know the only reason he didn’t wear a mask is because Trump won’t wear one. Mike Pence is required to keep his lips free at all times for kissing master’s ass.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Yes, it’s being reported that Trump ignored 12 coronavirus warnings in his daily intelligence briefings. And honestly, I’m not surprised. I mean, if they gave him the information in a briefing, of course he’s not going to get it, because if you really want the president to pay attention, you had to make it kid-friendly and then it sinks in. [imitating Trump] ‘So what you’re saying is the sick duck got all the other duckies sick and now that duck has to sit by himself until he’s not sick anymore. I get it — sad duck.” — Trevor Noah
“We’re now learning that as far back as January, ‘the president’s intelligence briefing book repeatedly cited the virus threat.’ Well, there’s your problem — those are three of Trump’s least-favorite words: ‘intelligence,’ ‘briefing,’ and ‘book.’ If they really wanted him to pay attention, they should have called it his ‘daily pornographic hamburger fire truck.’” — Stephen Colbert
Vice President Mike Pence took a tour of the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday and ignored the facility’s policy for all visitors to wear masks. Oh my God. You are the head of the coronavirus task force. And you’re in the hospital, and you’re the only one without a mask. It’s not like the vice president didn’t know. The hospital has a strict policy requiring all visitors to wear masks and tweeted after Pence’s visit, ‘Mayo Clinic had informed Pence of the masking policy prior to his arrival today.’ Wow, that must have been harsh for Mike Pence to get roasted by his idol: mayo.” — Stephen Colbert
“Yes, at the Mayo Clinic, which is totally against the rules. In fact, it seems like they told him to and he said he didn’t want to wear a mask. So I guess he was just like, ‘It’s O.K., everybody. I don’t believe in science.’” — Trevor Noah
“I don’t know — maybe Mike Pence just wants to catch it already and be put out of his misery.” — Jimmy Kimmel