People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours (Peace is Hell)

A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, “There’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it.” So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays! –Conan O’Brien

A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours. –Conan O’Brien

A new lawsuit claims that Uber employees use passenger data to stalk celebrities. When I called to complain, Uber said, “Don’t worry, Conan, we didn’t mean you.” –Conan O’Brien