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Sunday, February 16, 2020

In eight to nine months, you will be truly owned (Hey, that’s my nickname!)


“The sad part for me is that billionaire feuds used to be so much more dignified, you know? Yeah, back in the day, it wasn’t on Twitter. They would be like, ‘Mr. Trump, I have commissioned a devastating opera that disparages both you and your lineage.’ It’d be like, ‘Well, Master Bloomberg, at this very moment, a team of artisans is sculpting a middle finger from the world’s finest Italian marble. In eight to nine months, you will be truly owned.’” —Trevor Noah

“Trump spent the morning attacking Mike Bloomberg on Twitter and called him ‘a mass of dead energy.’ When he heard that, Mike Pence was like, ‘Hey, that’s my nickname!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I will say this: If I was Mike Bloomberg and I had $61 billion — which is what he has — this is how I would get in Trump’s head: I’d buy every ad on Fox News from now until November. I would ruin his precious Hannity time, his ‘Fox and Friends’ in the morning. Maybe instead of an election we should just put these two old billionaires on a jungle island with sharp sticks and force them to hunt each other, you know? Put it on pay-per-view, all proceeds go to the homeless.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”



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