The only problem is if you hit a bug, you die (don’t drink that Snapple you found on the subway)

A fist fight almost broke out at a congressional hearing after senator Markwayne Mullen challenged the president of the Teamsters Union to a fist fight. He challenged the president of the Teamsters Union to a fight? Does he have a death wish? The two things I learned growing up in New York were, never mess with the Teamsters, and don’t drink that Snapple you found on the subway. —Colin Jost

Six Flags has unveiled a plan for a new roller coaster, which will be the world’s tallest and fastest with a 600 foot drop that reaches a speed of 150 miles per hour. The only problem is if you hit a bug, you die. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

People say it's the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me to CBS (stretch camels)

June 2014

"We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody's gone crazy. People say it's the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me to CBS." –David Letterman

"These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they're released and they get to fly home. And I'm thinking, if you go to the airport and you're stuck behind these guys in security, good luck." –David Letterman

"When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What fools use for reason (and longshot nominee, matches)

The New York Metropolitan Opera announced its singer Placido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. he will be replaced by his far less sexually aggressive understudy Flaccido Domingo. --Colin Jost, SNL

The National Toy Hall of Fame has announced its twelve finalists for this years class that includes Care Bears, Jenga, My Little Pony and longshot nominee, matches.  --Colin Jost, SNL

A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animals testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them. --Michael Che, SNL

A new airport in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner of the airport to keep it from wobbling. --Colin Jost, SNL

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html