“Traditionally on Passover, you save a place for Elijah and someone gets up and checks to see if he’s at the door. But this year, if he’s there, don’t let him in — he’s 3,000 years old.” —Stephen Colbert
“Meanwhile, the vice-poodle seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the space force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, all the experts agree that the only way out of this pandemic is to increase, in any way possible, widely available, reliable testing. So, naturally, it was announced yesterday that the White House will end federal support for coronavirus testing sites on Friday. Why is Trump opposed to the testing? Someone tell him they’re coronavirus tests, not paternity tests!” —Stephen Colbert
“The federal government will end funding for coronavirus testing sites this Friday, with some locations shutting down. You think now is the time to cut off funding for tests? Are you insane? It’s like getting halfway through surgery, taking the guy’s spleen out and saying: ‘All right, you can wake him up. He can sew himself back together, that’s the easy part.’” —Seth Meyers
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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