http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
JOKES: providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex
A new study has
been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms
than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge. –Seth
Meyers
A new study suggests
that not all psychopaths are bad. “Thank you,” said people who pour the milk in
before the cereal. –Seth Meyers
President Trump
said today that he is going to “save people” from Obamacare. Kinda like how
that iceberg “rescued” the Titanic from having to go to New York. –Seth Meyers
JOKES: Yet another embarrassing defeat for perennial loser Ryan Gosling
It was the weirdest
TV finale since “Lost.” As I’m sure you’ve heard, “La La Land” was
simultaneously somehow the biggest winner and loser last night. You know it’s a
strange night when the word “envelope” is trending on Twitter. –Jimmy Kimmel
“Moonlight” won the
Oscar for Best Picture last night after the award was mistakenly presented to
“La La Land” due to an envelope mix-up. Yet another embarrassing defeat for
perennial loser Ryan Gosling. –Seth Meyers
JOKES: I'd rather be invading Baghdad (Wait, I’m not dead)
During the “In
Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still
alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much
bigger story than “La La Land.” Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best
Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not?
–James Corden
This would send me
into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I
truly living?” –James Corden
The Oscars went
very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it
turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows. –Jimmy Kimmel
JOKES: Basically they were the Sean Spicers of the Oscars (Muslim Wields Heavy Blunt Object)
Last night,
Mahershala Ali became the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Or as the Trump
White House reported it, “Muslim Wields Heavy Blunt Object.” –Jimmy Fallon
As I’m sure you
know, “La La Land” was announced the winner of Best Picture, before it was
revealed that there was a mix-up with the envelopes, and “Moonlight” was the
actual winner. When this happened I bet Hillary Clinton was like, “Yeah, welcome
to my world.” –James Corden
Warren Beatty and
Faye Dunaway were the presenters that announced the wrong film. Basically they
were the Sean Spicers of the Oscars. –James Corden
JOKES: The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it (Nobody knows what they’re doing)
I thought Jimmy
Kimmel did a great job hosting the Oscars — congrats to Jimmy, he’s always
good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of “La La
Land” went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture — then it was
announced that they actually lost to “Moonlight.” And today, they joined a
support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon
On Friday, CNN, The
New York Times, and BuzzFeed were blocked from participating in a media
briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it
“unacceptable,” the Times called it “outrageous,” and BuzzFeed called it “one
of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind.” –Jimmy
Fallon
Over the weekend,
Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used
an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House
says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re
doing. –Jimmy Fallon
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