I'm just glad John's not alive to see this...

"Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this." –David Letterman





"This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

His new Secret Service code name is Newt Gingrich

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

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He taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno



“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon 

The photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend. This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher 

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman



“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien



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Newt's ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno



"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno





"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

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The Taliban have a better track record on women's issues

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert 

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Romney always does well with islands...

"So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt's VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It's going to be over quickly." –David Letterman



"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman





"Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that's where his money lives." –Jon Stewart



"Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?" –Jay Leno

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If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier...

“Don't kid yourself, Rush Limbaugh is in a lot of trouble. He's down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.” –David Letterman 

‎

"If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck." –Stephen Colbert on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney

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He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno 



“Mitt Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.” –Jay Leno 



“How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change.” –David Letterman



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Some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher



“Here’s an actual quote. Mitt Romney was in Mississippi yesterday, and he said, ‘I’m learning to say y’all, and I like grits.’ And then he took out a pair of pliers and yanked out three of his teeth.” –Bill Maher







“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

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To recap the Republican views on women...

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” –Bill Maher





“Poor Mitt Romney. He can’t get the hang of campaigning like a regular guy. He’s always remind people of his vast wealth. Today he demanded to see Obama’s gift certificate.” –Bill Maher



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Legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson 

“Pat Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson 

“Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.” –Bill Maher



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Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien



“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien 




“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’” –Conan O’Brien 



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If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur

"Rick Santorum 'slipped the knockout punch!' 'Knockout punch,' by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates." –Stephen Colbert on the Super Tuesday results



“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson 

Tonight is a victory for the 1%!

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'" –Conan O'Brien



“According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien 



"Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women." –Stephen Colbert



Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills

“Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.” –Craig Ferguson



“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.  It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson



"Super Tuesday. It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself." –Stephen Colbert on Super Tuesday 

Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is...

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It's going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we're really stuck with Romney Wednesday.’” –Conan O'Brien



"In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday." –Conan O’Brien



"This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. Unfortunately it doesn't help that his opening line is 'Hello, my fellow peasants.'" –Conan O’Brien



“As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.” –Conan O’Brien 

Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is?

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno 

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon





“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” –Craig Ferguson

Dude, you are birth control

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher



“This gas thing is not funny. We are looking at five dollar a gallon gasoline. Mitt Romney's wife filled up both her Cadillacs today and now she’s one of the poor people he doesn't give a sh*t about.” –Bill Maher





“New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the President's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed "Cold Case Posse" reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate MIGHT be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Who ever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?” –Bill Maher 

So Republicans went to Plan B

“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She's playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie "Game Change." It's about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” –Jay Leno



“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” –Conan O'Brien



“I thought the election was gonna be all about the economy. But the economy started doing better. So Republicans went to plan b: calling women whores.” –Bill Maher



He won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That's what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” –Jay Leno



“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” –Jay Leno



“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno



In Romney's case, a real manicure...

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman 

“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” –Jay Leno

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He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel



“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon





"Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney." –Conan O’Brien

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That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from...

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon



“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien



“The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

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The only one that's entirely financed by moonshine

“Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that's entirely financed by moonshine.” –David Letterman



“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.” –David Letterman



“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon



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Rick Santorum has a new program for children

“Rick Santorum, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.” –Jon Stewart



"Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” –Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college



“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman



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Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him

“There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.” –Craig Ferguson 

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's.’” –David Letterman



“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien



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I saw the worst reality show last night

“I saw the worst reality show last night. Have you seen this one? It's called "the Republican Debate.’” –Jay Leno



 



“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno



“The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.” –David Letterman  

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