Which is definitely the longest anyone’s been able to listen to Mike Pence (Welcome Back/Mayday, Mayday)

April 2023

“This week also saw former vice-president Mike Pence testifying in front of the special counsel about his January 6th conversations with Trump. I’m sure that was humiliating having to tell a jury about all the times you were threatened with a bottle of ketchup by your boss. Apparently it went on for seven hours which is definitely the longest anyone’s been able to listen to Mike Pence.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, yesterday, President Biden told reporters that before he decided to run for re-election, he took a hard look at his age. Is it me or does Biden always look like he's taking a hard look? Then Biden reminded everyone that he's the same age as Lincoln...if he were still alive today.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that, next month, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis plans to launch his 2024 presidential campaign. Which makes sense because, already, his campaign slogan is ‘Mayday, Mayday.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tom Cruise & James Corden Join 'The Lion King' Cast

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

MUS Presidential Poll (April 23-27)

Joe Biden     1,529     

44.3%

Robert Kennedy Jr.    1,023  

29.6%

Marianne Williamson    577    16.7%

Bernie Sanders    127

3.6%

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  88

2.5%

                Not Sure/Other    104

            3.0%

Buy two and the next one is Free Willy (Just Kidding)

We here at "Late Night" have a lot of expenses, and to cover the cost, we have taken on some pretty, well, terrible sponsors, sponsors we aren't very proud of, sponsors I'm ashamed that we took money from. But because we did take their money, we now have to mention them on the air. So, apologies in advance, but tonight, "Late Night" is brought to you by salted Band-Aids. The Band-Aids with a little dash of salt. Forget about your paper cut and focus on how bad this Band-Aid feels. Also available in lemon juice. Next up, vape clarinets. Looking to combine the two things high schoolers find coolest? Try vape clarinets. Vape clarinets -- get addicted to jazz. We're also sponsored by whale jerky. We believe whales should be a protected species, but should one dead one wash up onshore, we will make jerky out of it. Buy two and the next one is Free Willy. --Seth Meyers

President Trump last night threatened to close the U.S.-Mexico border, adding, quote, "Our country is full." Really? Because it sure didn't look that way at your inauguration. --Seth Meyers

That's right, a dog tested positive for methamphetamine after a walk in a nearby park. When asked what breed it was, the owner said, "A meth lab." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot (Meet the Garlic Press)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joe Rogan: "Brazil's Roswell" Still a Mystery More Than 25 Years Later

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm sure the only gift she wants is an open White House door, and a 10-minute head start (Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”)

Taco Bell is reportedly testing making taco shells from fried chicken. Which should finally answer the age-old question: “911 — what’s your emergency?” –Seth Meyers

In an interview today, President Trump said that he's been too busy to buy first lady Melania Trump a birthday gift. Oh please, I mean it wouldn't take that long. I'm sure the only gift she wants is an open White House door, and a 10-minute head start. --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”