It’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole

"There's a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal." –Jay Leno



"The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole." –Bill Maher

"The Pope said gay Catholics should not be marginalized. He said, 'Who am I to judge them?' I think it's like anything else, when you get to know gay people they don't come off as gay, they come off as people. You stop being anti-gay. And who has more gay friends and coworkers than a Pope?" –Bill Maher

The state also changed its name to Chillinois

"At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan's smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal." –Craig Ferguson



English language's most offensive C-word

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." –John Oliver

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien    

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien 

I'm not opening that!

"Bill O'Reilly said, 'I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.' Here's how Bill O'Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse's ass." –Bill Maher 

"New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry - naked and unable to stand." –Bill Maher 

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

You'll never have to work a day in your life

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher 

So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'

"There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name 'Carlos Danger.' Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

"Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?" –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy." –Conan O'Brien