Guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays

"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien 

"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools

"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David Letterman 

The only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is

Jon Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix."

"A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan O'Brien 

Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."

In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators

"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno



"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon


Hey, we don't do anything for anybody

"Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty.' It's also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film 'Lincoln.'" –Jay Leno 

"John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing – a Republican winning anything these days." –Jay Leno



"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno



It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election

"'The Hobbit' opens today. It's going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election." –Craig Ferguson

"In what's being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It's called 'Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff.'" –Jay Leno



"Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno



Santa released 10 years of tax returns

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno



"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno



"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." –David Letterman



Finally, a Republican who might win something

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and 'Lincoln' got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something." –Jay Leno