This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon 



"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart



Her exact words were, "I'm going to run for president in 2012."

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien



"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien 



"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman



John Hulse photography

I'm just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision

"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno



"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse photography

It’s because they are boobs...

"Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs." –Bill Maher



"According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, 'A no-name Republican? That's me. I could win! I'm the new President?'" –Jay Leno



John Hulse photography

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq

"I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country." –Bill Maher 

"Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

They do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman 

"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman



"I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen." –Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks



John Hulse painting

When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson

"Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Spain’s running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon



"It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it's apparently over 500 pages long — and that's just the dedication to his kids." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting