"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon
"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon
"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart
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