How is Rocket Man doing? (What Happened, pt. 7)

On Sunday, Donald Trump tweeted about North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, saying, “I spoke with President Moon of South Korea last night. I asked him how ‘Rocket Man’ is doing.” President Trump, you’ve already ruined enough; don’t ruin Elton John lyrics for us. Next thing you know, he’ll be calling the prime minister of Australia Crocodile Rock. –James Corden

Last night here in Los Angeles was the prime-time Emmy Awards. The big winners last night were Donald Glover, Hulu, and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer won best actor in a comedy for his role in Donald Trump’s administration. –James Corden

     

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They backed a Putz (What Happened, pt. 6)

In a speech to the United Nations General Assembly this morning, Donald Trump told world leaders that the U.N. needs to reform itself because it’s ineffective due to bureaucracy and mismanagement. And for the first time, every nation on Earth had a reason to come together: to roll their eyes at Donald Trump. –James Corden

President Trump told the United Nations to reform itself, citing mismanagement. Then the United Nations told President Trump to reform himself, citing mismanagement. –James Corden

     

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I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone (Trump becomes president)

Hillary Clinton is promoting her new book. She told Anderson Cooper that a lot of people come up to her now to apologize for not voting. And when they do that, she says she doesn’t forgive them. I guess she used all her forgiveness up on her husband. –Jimmy Kimmel

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about Clinton’s book. She said she thought it was sad. Which is true. I mean, it is — I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s planning to read it, but at the end of the book, Donald Trump becomes president. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

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They're going to carve that into his library (That was some weird ****)

President Trump is actually getting a lot of praise for his response to Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. He's getting some praise. Here's the thing, though. You know, it's not a good sign for your presidency when the best thing that happens to you is two hurricanes. –Conan O’Brien

Anyone go out and buy Hillary Clinton's book yet? Everyone is talking about it. She has some pretty interesting revelations in that book. Hillary Clinton in her book said that after Trump's inauguration speech, George W. Bush told her, "That was some weird ****." That's true. It's being called the most eloquent statement ever made by George W. Bush. I can't believe he said that. They're going to carve that into his library. On the wall. –Conan O’Brien

     

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Oh, so NOW you'll visit some swing states (giant pythons)

Meanwhile, I saw that Hillary is going on a cross-country tour to promote the book. Then Democrats said, "Oh, so NOW you'll visit some swing states." –Jimmy Fallon

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” –Jimmy Fallon

Delta Airlines just paid a woman $4,000 to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she’ll do with the money the woman said, “Buy Spirit Airlines.” –Jimmy Fallon

      

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Bill gathered a month’s worth of clothes and got the hell outta there (What Happened, pt. 4)

Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and . . . nobody’s calling HIM a genius. –Jimmy Fallon

In her new book, Hillary said that she took a nap as the results were coming in on Election Night. And while she did that, Bill gathered a month’s worth of clothes and got the hell outta there. –Jimmy Fallon

      

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Oh, can you pick up my handbags? (What Happened, pt. 3)

Hillary Clinton's new book titled "What Happened" was released today, as was Putin's new book "Me." –Seth Meyers

President Trump will reportedly visit China in November. "Oh, can you pick up my handbags?" asked Ivanka. –Seth Meyers

Apple today unveiled a special edition iPhone X, which will have two more hours of battery life than current iPhones. Wow, three hours of battery life! –Seth Meyers

     

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He who returned to his former job harassing waitresses at Hooters

Hillary Clinton's new book came out today. It is called "What Happened." That's not a joke. That's what it is called. This is why Hillary lost. A real president doesn't write books. They write tweets. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congratulations are in order for Hope Hicks, who today became the new White House communications director. She replaces Anthony Scaramucci, who returned to his former job harassing waitresses at Hooters. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

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As you can imagine, that was one very embarrassing day for that porn account (What Happened, pt. 2)

On Twitter last night, someone discovered that Republican Sen. Ted Cruz liked a tweet from a porn account. As you can imagine, that was one very embarrassing day for that porn account. –Conan O’Brien

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz is blaming the porn tweet on a staffer logging on to his account at 1 a.m. By the way, if my wife is watching, two nights ago at 2 a.m., I got up to use the bathroom and hired a staffer. That's what that's all about. –Conan O’Brien

     

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I'm sorry. Can you sign a cheese sample? (What Happened, pt. 1)

Hillary Clinton's book "What Happened" came out today, and I heard that it's almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Hillary will actually be signing books at a Costco in Connecticut. It's going to be awesome when someone gets to the front and goes, "Oh, I thought this was the line for cheese samples. I'm sorry. Can you sign a cheese sample?" –Jimmy Fallon

     

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