If there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at

"Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at, it's stopping someone from becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon 

A moment of silence followed by hours of laughter

"This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter." –Jay Leno 

"We're going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will." –Bill Maher



"I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses.'" –Bill Maher 

She can't even commit to being uncommitted

"Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they're starting to rethink immigration." –Jimmy Fallon



"Ever since the government's spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel '1984' have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, '1984' shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted." –John Oliver 

It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion

"The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he's a hero. This is Republicans' worst nightmare. They don't know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion." –Bill Maher 

"The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it's not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they're not allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno



 

One more war and the next one's free!

"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out John McCain's bad ideas." –Bill Maher



"The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one's free." –Bill Maher 



"Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?" –Bill Maher 

I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien 

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno



"We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well." –Jimmy Fallon

It's the goodest news they have heard all year

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien



"Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien 

Then he made Chris Christie a saint

"Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint." –Conan O'Brien 

"Edward Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno

That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk

"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'" –Bill Maher 

"Edward Snowden went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk." –Jimmy Fallon 

KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second..

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don't we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?" –Jay Leno 

She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad

"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus." –Bill Maher



"Michele Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher 

The World Most Expensive 'No.'

"President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don't we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?" –Jay Leno 

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien 

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien