I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien 

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno



"We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well." –Jimmy Fallon