When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord

"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

 

"Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " -David Letterman 

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel



"I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger." -Jimmy Kimmel