"You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson
“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening
"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon
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