"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien
"It's a great honor to be selected as the 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid." –David Letterman
"Last year George W. Bush made $15 million from speaking engagements. He comes on stage and introduces the goddesses. Then he goes into a 90-minute rant about Chuck Lorre." –David Letterman
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