I'm not going to say reading it is torture....

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon



"Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I'm not going to say reading it is torture. It's more of an enhanced interrogation technique." –Jimmy Fallon



"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno