No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN

"Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN." –Craig Ferguson



"New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like an 'S.O.B.' Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a 'B.L.T.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno 

"It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face." –Jimmy Fallon



"For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, 'Thank God no one watches us.'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

He ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman 



"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao

"The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney's running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, 'a person of color.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Which explains why Governor Chris Christie's invitation got 'lost in the mail.'

"A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping." –Jay Leno





"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing 'The Robot' – or as Romney calls that, 'The Me.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Mitt Romney's weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie's invitation got 'lost in the mail.'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

I dare him to come to India and say that to my face

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair." –David Letterman 



He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires

"Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said 'Leave me alone, I'm having a drink.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney's picking up a head of steam. He's roaring and ready to go. He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires." –David Letterman



John Hulse painting