The Joke's On You (Did you try unplugging it?)

Good news — it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It’s nice to know Trump’s plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. “Did you try unplugging it? Wait 10 seconds.” --Jimmy Fallon

Saturday was the second annual Women’s March, and thousands of women held signs protesting the president. But Trump was like, “Joke’s on you — I can’t read.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down (full force finally)

During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, quote, “The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.” Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down. –Seth Meyers

During his inaugural address President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be “America First.” Which also happens to be Putin’s ideology. ”America first, then we go into Ukraine, then Eastern Europe…” –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women’s March were “awe-inspiring.” Adding, “Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally.” –Seth Meyers

JOKES: Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you? (I almost can)

President Trump did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On Saturday between 3 million and 5 million people, mostly women, gathered to support him — was that what they were doing? — in New York, L.A., Chicago, and Washington, D.C. –Jimmy Kimmel

There were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in American history. Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you? –Jimmy Kimmel

On the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on ABC we had a new episode of “The Bachelor.” The women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to Wachesaw, Wisconsin, than tonight. –Jimmy Kimmel

JOKES: Trump's speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker (Happy Now, Jerks!)

The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker. –Conan O’Brien

There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women’s March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby. –Conan O’Brien

Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book’s tentative title is “Happy Now, [Jerks]?” –Conan O’Brien

JOKES: Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS! (never made it this far)

Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump’s press secretary says we’ve got 2 MILLION people here tonight! –Jimmy Fallon 

We’re just a few days into Donald Trump’s presidency. And I don’t know what Trump’s fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend. –Jimmy Fallon

The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, “I don’t know, I’ve never made it this far.” –Jimmy Fallon