It's a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it (I don't have any fingerprints)

My uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car. --Steven Wright

I bought this thing from my car. You put it on your car. It sends out this little noise so when you drive near the woods deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident and now when I drive down the street I have a herd of deer chasing me. --Steven Wright

I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, you know now is the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints. --Steven Wright

It's a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we all know the greatest show on Earth is “The Bachelor” (was actually born in Russia)

The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they’d probably get cast on “Celebrity Apprentice.” –James Corden

Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. “Born in the USA” would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia. –James Corden

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus have announced they’re shutting down in May after 146 years. I get why their business is failing. It’s hard for Ringling Bros. to claim to be “the greatest show on Earth” when we all know the greatest show on Earth is “The Bachelor.” –James Corden

The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation (No one feels bad for you)

Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of African American History, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation. –Stephen Colbert

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency. –Stephen Colbert

Now, the circus won't officially close until May, so if you don’t get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you. –Stephen Colbert

the pilates studio where Hitler was born (There goes our Christmas plans)

This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled “The circus wants the circus back,” because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a “circus,” saying it casts a negative light on their profession. –James Corden

You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, “I can’t be associated with this freak show.” –James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden