the Daily Show is big amongst 115-year-old vampire demons

"Muslims all over the Middle East are rioting in the streets. These are one billion of the touchiest people I have ever seen on my TV. The latest target of their rage, of course, is Pope Benedict XVI. Last Tuesday, the Pope gave a speech and quoted 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II, who said that everything introduced by Islam is 'evil and inhuman.' Well I say, don't back down your Holy Pope 'cause it's true -- what did they give us? Optics, hydraulic engineering, algebra. There's not an eighth grader in the world who would convict you, sir." --Stephen Colbert

"Robert Novak does not watch the 'Daily Show,' or myself -- not surprising. I keep reading all these articles about how the 'Daily Show' is big amongst 115-year-old vampire demons." --Jon Stewart

"Today is Friday the 13th. Down in Washington, a confused George W. Bush lit a menorah." --David Letterman

Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology

"Earlier today, the president of Iran refused to attend a United Nations banquet because wine was being served. The Iranian president said he was afraid he'd get really drunk and say something pro-semitic." --Conan O'Brien

"You folks have any trouble with traffic today? It's because of the big opening of the U.N. General Assembly. You know who's here? The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He's the president who can actually pronounce 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman

"The Pope said those weren't his words. He said he was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor. And today Mel Gibson said, 'Yeah, me too.'" --Jay Leno

For wholesale generalizations, say it in German. It gives it that extra oomph.

"Last week at Germany's University of Regensburg, which as you know is a safety school, Pope Benedict gave an address in which he discussed Islam's concept of jihad by quoting 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II. You know if you're going to make a wholesale generalization, say it in German. It gives it that extra 'oomph.'" --Jon Stewart

"Muslims all over the world are rioting because they are upset with the Pope. Again, I don't think President Bush understands these issues. Like today, he said, 'These Muslims, why can't they ask themselves what would Jesus do?'" --Jay Leno

"It's that time of year again. The streets of New York are crawling with world leaders who have come to address the General Assembly for the 61st annual United Nations open mic night. Then came the headliner, George W. Bush. A killer set except some idiots out there didn't shut off their cell phones. Turns out it was the Thai delegation, talking and texting. Evidently in the middle of the president's speech, their country had a military coup. Fine, but put it on vibrate." --Stephen Colbert

still a great to weed out the Nancys (14th century Byzantine emperors)

"At Yale, Bush was president of his fraternity. Few jobs provide more hands-on experience in robbing others of their dignity. In fact, his senior year marked the first time in history Amnesty International intervened in a pledge rush. My understanding is that when Yale banned tying pledges' genitals to bricks with a length of string, Bush came up with the idea of using cinder blocks instead -- still technically legal, still a great to weed out the Nancys." --John Oliver

"Chris Wallace was really taken aback. He was stunned. He talked about it afterwards. He said at one point, when Bill Clinton lunged at him, he felt like a mountain was coming down in front of him. Ironically, Clinton once experienced the same thing in the Oval Office." --Jay Leno

"Reverend Jerry Falwell has caused yet another controversy when he compared Hillary Clinton to the 'devil.' Today he said he didn't mean anything bad by it. He was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor." --Jay Leno