When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money

"Mitt Romney is in London. They said get your campaign plane, get your family, you don't know anything about foreign policy, strap your dog to the roof of the plane. He arrived in England, got off the plane, and proudly proclaimed 'Ich bin ein Londoner.' When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money." –David Letterman






"There’s talk that Mitt Romney’s campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he’s paying for people to like him. Or, as it’s called politics." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole

"To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole." –Jay Leno 



"A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play ACDC. Today, the attackers said ‘If our demands aren’t met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful." –Jay Leno



"The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go..

"The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go." –Conan O'Brien



"Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis." –Jimmy Fallon



"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

What is a bus?

"It's now being reported than Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno



"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government

"During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes." –Jay Leno 

"A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

My guess: a personality

"Sarah Palin hasn't yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention. I don't think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren't excited that Mitt Romney is going." –Jay Leno 

"Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign. So I'm guessing Steven Tyler." –Craig Ferguson

"In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, 'What is Mitt Romney hiding?' My guess: a personality." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien



"Sarah Palin hasn't yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention. I don't think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren't excited that Mitt Romney is going." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

What it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions

"The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there's one word I'd think of to describe Trump, it's 'statesman-like.' And if there were four words, they would be 'not at all statesman-like.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Happy Friday the 13th - and to prove he's not superstitious, Mitt Romney drove around with a black cat on the roof of his car." –Jay Leno 

"On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

And by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment?

"An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate. I think this could be the guy. Put the dogs on one car, the kids on the other... " –Jay Leno 

"Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment?" –David Letterman 

"John Boehner, who is speaker of the House of Representatives, is super tan, he cries, and he drinks. He should be speaker of the 'Jersey Shore' house." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

Mitt will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands

"Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Romney would fight for all millionaires, black or white

"Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white." –Jay Leno 

"In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, 'You can do that?'" –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

But all he had was Swiss Francs...

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs" –Jay Leno



"Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman 



"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

John McCain is doing the background check

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno




"According to Mitt Romney's wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey." –Jay Leno 

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting