congressmen need to be able to play the field (fat drug addicts)

"This weekend for the first time in over a month, Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television. Cubans were excited to hear this and said, 'We have a television?'" --Conan O'Brien

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler

"Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation? He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research. And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier. He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will." --Bill Maher

Limbaugh accuses Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms

"Halloween is tomorrow. Of course, that's when little kids come to your house looking for candy. Or as Congressman Mark Foley calls it, 'speed dating.'" --Jay Leno

"You want to scare Hillary Clinton tomorrow night? Here's what you do -- knock on her door dressed as Barack Obama and yell, 'I'm running.'" --Jay Leno

"Nevada gubernatorial candidate Jim Gibbons has been accused of trying to fondle a single mom in a parking garage after a night of heavy drinking. Now they're saying, to win, he has to give the speech of his life. And that's just to Mrs. Gibbons." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

Think of him as a more do-able Katherine Harris

"Speaking in a recent interview, Vice President Dick Cheney said he thinks Hillary Clinton has what it takes to be president. Of course, he says the same thing about George Bush." --Jay Leno

"It said in the paper today that President Bush is now only campaigning in friendly territory. Where would that be -- just around the ranch in Crawford?." --Jay Leno

"Election irregularities are particularly acute here in Ohio. Two years ago, voting was marked by long lines and insufficient voting booths in many neighborhoods -- oddly enough, mostly minority neighborhoods. Many blame the fiercely pro-Bush Kenneth Blackwell, who oversaw the elections as Ohio's Secretary of State. Who is Kenneth Blackwell? Think of him as a more do-able Katherine Harris." --Jon Stewart

935 Lies/(old Mission Accomplished signs)/Confused teenage boys?

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago." --Jay Leno

"Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who is considering running for president in 2008, has attributed his past use of drugs to youthful confusion. He said teenage boys are frequently confused. Now when he heard that, Congressman Mark Foley said, 'Confused teenage boys? Where?'." --Jay Leno

He'll be a threat to Washington's white women

"Charges of racism are all over the electoral map this year. In Tennessee, Republicans ran a TV ad against African-American Democrat Harold Ford that suggests he is a threat to Tennessee's white women. I don't see what the big deal is. If Ford is elected, he won't be a threat to Tennessee's white women. He'll be a threat to Washington's white women." --Stephen Colbert

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe." --David Letterman

"President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that -- Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore." --Jay Leno

ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil (Peruvian mistress strangler)

"GOP Congressman Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania was recently sued by his Peruvian mistress for allegedly beating and strangling her. Now Sherwood has admitted to having a mistress but denies beating and strangling her. Still, there's probably not a Republican that would be caught dead in the same room as that guy [on screen: President Bush speaking at a Sherwood event]. Oh. Apparently, the president believes his popularity still slightly lower than an alleged Peruvian mistress strangler." --Jon Stewart

"According to Google trends people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia, which is the ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil -- what do we do now?" --Jay Leno

"Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed." --Jay Leno

Hey, it's not like I married the guy!

"It's astounding to me that this is the scandal. At the same time this week, George Bush said that Cheney and Rumsfeld are doing a fantastic job and that he is 'pleased with the progress we're making in Iraq.' I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we have another president with Alzheimer's disease." --Bill Maher

"The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy's always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, 'Hey, it's not like I married the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Haggard, the leader of the largest evangelical organization in America, resigned because a gay male prostitute said that he and the reverend had been having lots of meth amphetamine-fueled sex. Now the reverend did the Christian thing earlier this week and denied it. Now he says, 'Okay, I did hire a gay male prostitute, but only for a massage.' To which Mark Foley said, 'I'm even calling this one b--- s---.'" --Bill Maher