Pope Francis is missing (wage stealers)

In Beijing, because pollution has reached 35 times the safety level, children have been ordered to stay home. This could mean a delay for anyone who ordered a new iPhone. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

This is the first speaker of the house to have any facial hair since Republican Frederick Jillette, who led the house from 1919 until 1925! Now incidentally, Paul Ryan is also the first politician in 100 years to have a beard that isn't his wife. –James Corden

"Congress gave itself a big raise this week and voted against the minimum wage, which is kind of ironic. I mean if anybody should getting minimum wage, it's Congress." --Jay Leno