I hope to become the new face of Scientology

"I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman



"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman



"Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter." –David Letterman