Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

God has picked us up for another 22 weeks

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks." –Jay Leno
 


"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno



A good way for her to learn the names of all the states

"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno



"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno



"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno



That’s nice, she thanked her Son.

"On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over 'The Tonight Show.' And it wouldn't be the last time." –David Letterman



"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson



"Oprah said, 'Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me.' That’s nice; she thanked her Son." –Jimmy Kimmel

On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse

"New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman



"Be honest. How many of you were hoping this was going to be my final show? Oprah’s last show was today. I had a good cry with the girls from our book club. On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse." –David Letterman 

So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno 

"Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he's going to do something." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon



Other titles he considered...

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman 



"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman 



"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno