Best-case scenario? Turns you into a Wolverine (Chrysler: It's supposed to make that noise)

"Researchers at Northwestern University said the worst-case scenario is that Swine Flu will infect 1,700 Americans over the next month. Best-case scenario? Turns you into a Wolverine." --Bill Maher

"So, I guess the other big news you heard: Chrysler, bankrupt, finally. Yes, this is very bad news for Chrysler drivers. I mean, besides the fact they drive a Chrysler. Chrysler is partnering now with Fiat! They have a new slogan: 'Chrysler: It's supposed to make that noise.’" --Bill Maher

"Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down. Now this guy has been called a reclusive loner who is against marriage. It's like I have a twin." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

That's your heritage, conservatives. Stand Tall. (He was last seen renting porn)

"Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about a new Supreme Court appointment, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn.” --Bill Maher

"They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that's probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

there's no longer a severe chance of exploding (still not sure if that helps or hurts a guy)

"Between you and me, I don't know what 'macaca' means, but it sure as s--- sounds racist. And here in Virginia, still not sure if that helps or hurts a guy." --Rob Corddry

"According to a recent poll, more Americans can name the seven dwarfs than can name the nine Supreme Court justices. Strangely, Justice Souter is on both lists." --David Letterman

"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA downgraded the threat level for flights between the U.S. and England from severe to high. So if you're nervous about taking a trip to London, there's no longer a severe chance of exploding, just a high one now." --Jimmy Kimmel