Best-case scenario? Turns you into a Wolverine (Chrysler: It's supposed to make that noise)

"Researchers at Northwestern University said the worst-case scenario is that Swine Flu will infect 1,700 Americans over the next month. Best-case scenario? Turns you into a Wolverine." --Bill Maher

"So, I guess the other big news you heard: Chrysler, bankrupt, finally. Yes, this is very bad news for Chrysler drivers. I mean, besides the fact they drive a Chrysler. Chrysler is partnering now with Fiat! They have a new slogan: 'Chrysler: It's supposed to make that noise.’" --Bill Maher

"Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down. Now this guy has been called a reclusive loner who is against marriage. It's like I have a twin." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

JOKES: So if you want to live here, you’ll just have to learn to speak Russian

Following President Trump’s inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, if you want to live here, you’ll just have to learn to speak Russian. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. And he asked them one question, “How many people do you think were at my inauguration?” –Seth Meyers

Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for “Florence Foster Jenkins,” Natalie Portman for “Jackie,” and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration. –Seth Meyers