“Wednesday marked the first day of arguments in the Senate impeachment trial, and if Mitch McConnell has his way, this trial will go just like Donald Trump’s dating career: quick and disappointing and no questions asked. Also, I would like $130,000 to forget I ever met him.” —Stephen Colbert
“It’s totally understandable that Senator Jim Risch fell asleep at 5:30 p.m. Wow! Wow! Four and a half hours in — somebody poke him. He didn’t just nod off for a second — he was asleep long enough to be hand drawn. Put a glass under his mouth to see if it fogs up a little bit.”
—Stephen Colbert
“You couldn’t help but be moved by the historic nature of the event unless you were Senator Rand Paul, because according to one reporter, every few minutes, Rand Paul keeps flipping through his notebook to do bits of a crossword. [Imitating Rand Paul] Let’s see here, let’s see here: ‘Sackless Trump toady, eight letters’ — oh! Rand Paul!” —Stephen Colbert
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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