"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel
"For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon
"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don't know about his chances. I mean, I'm not saying Gingrich peaked in the '90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi." –Jimmy Fallon
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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