You Got Screwed, But Here's Cab Fare Plan (somebody get a bag of marshmallows)

"It's frightening to be alive, walking around this planet in 2008. Listen to this. A 20,000-pound satellite has burned out. It's going to crash into us. It's already starting to plummet and soon it will explode. There's going to be a fire. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about the Giuliani campaign" --David Letterman

"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno

 "President Bush also promoted his stimulus package, where each American will get $600. This is part of the 'You Got Screwed, But Here's Cab Fare Plan.'" --Jay Leno