I'm just glad John's not alive to see this...

"Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this." –David Letterman





"This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

His new Secret Service code name is Newt Gingrich

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

He taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno



“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump's sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon 

The photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend. This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher 

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman



“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse photography

Newt's ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters

"Mitt Romney has been out-spending his opponents by a huge margin, and he's still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune." –Jay Leno



"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno





"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse photography

The Taliban have a better track record on women's issues

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert 

John Hulse painting

Romney always does well with islands...

"So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt's VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It's going to be over quickly." –David Letterman



"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman





"Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that's where his money lives." –Jon Stewart



"Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?" –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting