Santorum is so conservative...

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno



"Santorum is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno



"Santorum is so conservative that he won't masturbate because it involves sex with a guy." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel



John Hulse painting

Satan tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson 

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno



"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

Santorum won't even let the UPS guy handle his package

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno 

“ Santorum is so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno 

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

The only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon 

“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel 

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.” –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Santorum thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno 

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno



“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno



“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman





“President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel



“Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel



“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they're like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” –Jimmy Fallon



I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes

“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien 

“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman



“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman