Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman





“President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel



“Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel



“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they're like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” –Jimmy Fallon